Transexuality as a Role Playing Game

Ahem. This happens to me sometimes. My brain goes all analytical on me and starts spewing out useless patronising nonsense. Like this:

A CrossDresser is a guy who likes wearing girly stuff and being all girly with other girly guys, however, if you suggest to him he might like some dick with his lingerie, he will hunt you down ruthlessly in his Prada shoes and clobber you to death with his Prada bag.

A Transvestite is a guy who like boys who dig girls who like boys. So he 'll go to great lengths to look like a girl so that boys will swarm around him like bees on a freshly bloomed blossom. Then he'll pounce on them like a venus flytrap, and they 'll be all the more happy to boast about their experiences afterwards.

A Drag Queen is a strange creature of the night that subsists on Glitter and Glamour. You can find them under a spotlight in the darkest places and you can't really miss them. I don't know why I even mention them as they don't really mesh with the other varieties of TG- they 're really just Changelings; Faeries, you know.

A Transgender (or Shemale, or Ladyboy, or Travesti) is a guy who doesn't really mind having a dick as long as it doesn't interfere with his getting to meet people who like her boobs. Shemales are shameless and just try to say that seven times quick (oh yeah? Then try it backwards smartass). They look hot like hell in four out of every five pics or shots you see them in, but in the sixth you notice their Adams' apple, or their Romarios' knees, or something like that and think "it must be a trick of the light". And never know which one you meant.

A Transexual is a guy who has a penis fixation turned inside out. He wants to be a girl and will do anything, anything, to achieve that, even desperate and embarassing things like pray to God and try to use magic, or even his brains. At some point, most transexuals will become the girls they thought they always wanted to be only to discover they really wanted to be pretty little spoiled princesses, which is more the premise of the Drag Queens. Or, sex goddesses, which is more the promise of the TGs. Anyway, they 're really fucked up and boring like a rotting plum fairy. No, I don't like 'em.

One day, when I 'm in that mood, I 'll sit down and write up a little supplement for some popular pen-and-paper RPG. It will give rules for a new character class, or what have you, called "TG". The supplement itself will be called "The player's guide to the Transexual" and it will have Skills like "Cleavaging" and "Tucking", special powers like "Glamour" and "Orgasm" and rules for "Passing" and "HRT and SRS". Not because I particularly believe anyone will want to play that kind of character (except that, there are geeky gamers out there who happen to be glamorous princesses inside- I should know) but because, well, RPGs, like most games you can play with other people, are a great way to tell a story. And there's lots of story to be said in the whole TG thing.

Of course there's better ways. You can just surf around the 'net.

I do that a lot.