Not exactly failure

So I 'm back from my drums exam. I didn't like it.

Not because I didn't play well... which, of course, I didn't. But that's not the point. I played half as good as I play when I practice, and I know how good that is, so it doesn't matter if I blew it once. And, no, despite popular belief, it's not the one time that matters... No single time matters, when you 're learning something, 'cause learning never stops. It doesn't mean anything to play good just one time and in the same way it doesn't mean anything to play awfully bad one time. I wasn't even awfully bad. Just very nervous.

And that, there, is the hammer on the head of the nail. I was nervous.

Why was I nervous? I had nothing to lose and I had nothing to win. I knew it and I had spent the exact amount of time needed reminding myself all I should remember. You see, this is the fourth time I 'm having this kinda examination (on drums, I mean) and every single fucking time, it's the same, humiliating nervousness. I 'm honestly ashamed, as much as one as me can ever be. Ashamed, deeply, because I felt like the school spaz on test day and, Goddess, did they look ridiculus back then... I 'm fucking disgraced, indeed, 'cause I 'm really not used at having such hideously useless feelings.

I 've felt unrequited love, and that was fun and itchy. I 've felt the need to burn someones' colon over a slow fire while they were still using it (yes, the colon), and that made me feel safe and secure in the knowledge that I am, after all, a maniac like the rest of the race. I 've felt bliss and it was drugs, so it felt fuzzy and warm all over and then the mites came and taught me calculus. But, holy shit, insecurity? ME?!

Anyway, there's a lesson here, as always. I worked on the nervousness I knew was gonna come and when it was time, I fell flat on my beautiful, sexy face with the lush lips... mmmmmooooawww sexyyyy... But, it doesn't matter, 'cause I just failed this one time. Maybe I 'll blow it the next one too. And the next. And the next. I don't give a shit. Life's like that and then you fail one last time, who the fuck cares?

The important thing is, all this month, since my teacher told me to have the exam, I 've doubled my effort and got results. I fixed my double-strokes (that used to be super when I was on speed 26/7 which was a year ago) and then I got my ass down and learned a few things I shouldave learned last year. So, I remembered. I can play. I can play better, even. Therefore, screw exams. I don't need no one to tell me where I stand. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, it's a bitch. Yeah, I 'm a bigger, better, badder one than it'll ever be (oh, good, now I 'm talking about phrases as if they were people).

So, yeah. I had a good exam.

(and to think that last year, I actually cried over the same thing... tsk...)