Onwards, to battle.

I think I 'm with the Marines.

It's not so much their weapons that are so cool, as their armor. They look so convicigly menacing and ferocious you 're thinking, "yeah, if I saw this guy in real life, I 'd piss my panties". I used to go for the Ravens, at first, because black is black and what can you do about it? With time, though, I learned to appreciate the simple serenity of Blue. I go for the Ultramarines now, which, of course, were the first ones I ever painted, just like most people, I think.

But it's not just a matter of appearance. It's their unbending dedication to the Imperium that never ceases to amaze me. They will fight on against monsters that would make normal men roll over on their backs and die in fear, but they will just press on, with their cries of "For the Emperooor!" and "Space Marines! EH-TAAAAACK!". And they will still serve, even after death, all their vital remains enclosed in the cold steel of the Dreadnoughts. With their mechanical voices resounding they will pledge their eternal faith to the Emperor, "I am ready to serve... again", "At last, back to war", or "Faith is eternal" or, the best, "It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself" (that one always brings a tear in my eye) and what a mauling and carnage will they deliver then...! The Dreadnoughts are just BRUTAL! Nothing stands in their way! They can stand in the midst of any number of enemies and they will always take down a couple squads before going back to the big battlefield in the sky. I love mechs and the Dreadnought is about the most convincing-looking machine I 've seen. "To me, my brothers!"

The Marines' firepower is nothing to scoff at, but their big advantage is their morale. Once you add a Sergeant to a squad, it takes a lot to break them and even then, the Sergeant can still rally them and all is not yet lost. "You WILL stand your ground!". Yeah! The Force Commander and the Librarian are also pretty good pieces of work, ambience-wise. The way the Librarian comes into battle screaming "Information IS Power" and his silver-tongued quotes like "Fear not the Psycho" and "My powers are yours to command"... and the Force Commander is a dead-brained fanatic if ever I saw one. "Beware! the Alien, the Mutant, the Heretic", "The Emperor is my shield!" and "I COMMAND in the name of the Emperor!". The Force Commander is the best boost for the Empire's troops. Because "I know no fear, for I am FEAR INCARNATE!!". And he can call down an Orbital Bombardment that's just insane, although it will injure your own troops too if you 're not paying attention... And how cooler can you get than a single guy without a helmet (so his white hair and battle-scarred face everyone can see) wielding a huge Warhammer and a blazing Power Fist, attacking squad after squad of simple infantry and scattering them to the winds like a maelstrom? I used to think, "come on, hand to hand combat in the 41st century"? But I 've seen few things more inspiring than the Force Commander and the Orc Warboss hacking it out on their own in the middle of crossfire so dense you have to squint to tell each camp apart.

It's the Terminators that's been a big dissapointment. "The Emperors' finest await your command"? What, these are the Emperors' finest? Well, thank god the simple Marines can stand their ground, 'cause the Terminators just suck. Battle after battle, when the going gets tough, the Terminators break. I can't get it. These guys are supposed to be tough. Especially the Assault squad, is meant for close combat. Why can't they hold their own? Just a few squads of Orks with a Big Mek and a Warboss and a couple of vehicles and they start wavering. They shouldn't do that! They 're supposed to be bad-asses. Well, they 're ninnies. And I'm not exaggerating. The basic Marines take a lot more to break, especially with a Sergeant at their head- and you can't attach a Sergeant at a Terminator squad. So they can teleport. So what? Bah. Suckers!

Of course, the Boyz win big coolness points themselves... well, they 're green, they don't really have to try... They got the funkiest names, for their units and buildings and vehicles and upgrades and everything, really. For example, the Marines and the Chaos have "Armories" or "Chaos Armories", the Orks have a "Pile o' Gunz" with a little Gretchin in it that rummages around and throws out what you need... Their vehicle-producing building is "Da Mek Shop" and their Barracks, "Da Boyz Hutz"... how cooler can you get? Well, the Big Mek and the Warboss get even cooler than that, witht their mechanical claws and their Iron Jaws and their cigars and all. And they got their Waaaaagh! banners (downside is, you have to build a lot of them to produce the Ork resource and bring them up in size and research new tech... that gets a bit annoying, but, I guess, you gotta have something to reign the Mob in, or they 'd just swarm the field like... like... eh, well, like Orcs, really...). Then, the Orcs don't just upgrade their weapons- they get "Bigga Shootas" and "Bigga Choppas" and "Bigga Generators". And the quotes are so fun too. "B-Boss! We's getting sho' at!" when they 're under fire, or "It now Belongs to the ORKZ!" when they capture a Strategic Point or Critical Location or Relic. The Nobz... "Nobz are better'n smaller, gruntier Orkz"... and their Marauders will get in a frenzy and you hear their voices echoing from their tanks "Shtomp, Shtomp, Shtomp, SHTOMP". Well, the best are the Gretchin, of course. Send them to repair a damaged building and they go "Looks OK to me". They 're always scared like "Oh no, not that way, they 're shooting there, let's go the other way" and "We 're not going anywhere scaaary, are we?" and stuff like that, the little yellow slackers! The way their buildings come into play to be built is the best in the game (by now you should know I 'm talking about Warhammer 40K for the PC). They 're just bombed down in a jumbled mass, that the Gretchin then assemble and shape into a building... patched up and makeshift as Ork buildings come, and with quotes like "We 'll do it all sneaky like" and "We's gonna make it nice and strong"... heh heh heh... And when they capture a Relic, they can make a Squiggoth, kind of a huge elephant-like armored dinosaur with tusks, with close and ranged combat weapons that's also a troop transport. Yeah, the Orkz Rockz.

I don't minde the Chaos either, especially since they can summon horned Demons with battleaxes, but their servitors and their scouts have the most annoying quotes uttered in the most annoying squeaky, demented voices. Which of course are completely adequate, but still, annoying.

And I won't even start on the Eldar. What an idiot race! Ok, they got some nice tech and they 're good fighters and all... but, they just suck, I 'm sorry. Stupid space elves like.

Hoy! Wheres' the tyrranids? I thought the original game, you know, the one with the miniatures, ring a bell? It was based on Heinleins' "Starship Troopers", nothing to do with that stupid film, hence the first Warhammer 40K factions were the Space Marines (who look like Stormtroopers, but are really... Marines) and the Space Orcs to keep the continuity with Warhammer Fantasy, but mainly, the Tyrranids- the bugs! Oh, the Tyrranids rule more than anyone else and I 'd be playing them all the time if they were in the game. Anyone remember Starcraft? Well, the Humans, Zerg and Protoss were just the Marines, Tyrranids and Eldar with differrent names and the developpers hadn't wanted to include Ork-like beasts, for obvious reasons. I mean, it's OK to copy Heinlein, but if they had Orcs, it 'd be a blatant rip-off of Games' Workshop. I played Starcraft for hours on end, when I first got it, and although the Earthlings were no Marines, because they didn't have all of Games Workshop behind them providing them with a convincing and imaginative mythos (still, the Goliath ruled), the Zerg were all the Tyrranids were ever meant to be and the Protoss would have whoopped the Eldars' ass- and most everybody elses' too...

This is a good game, Warhammer. At first I thought it'd be another Age Of Something clone... well, a C&C clone, actually... but, no, it isn't. It's not just the mood of the game- it's not fair to compare Warhammer to any other game of the genre, because, well, it's had plenty of time to develop its' theme, from its' minis' headstart... But, although it is a chaotic clickfest and the economy is mostly symbolic and meant to pace the game down a bit and there's no micromanagement, which you don't really miss (there's no economy in the original game anyway), I find it stands up to its' name with a few tricks you 'll be hard pressed to find in other games.

First of all, units. You don't make them one man at a time, you get them as squads and "enforce" them up to a limit, if you like, then arm them with special weapons and upgrade them a bit, but, the important part is, they take your commands as units. They still take damage as individual soldiers, of course, and you can attach special units to them, like Ork Surgeons and Force Commanders or Exarchs and stuff, but, still, you command them as units! Just like in the minis' game. Really, that's something I 've been missing in RTSs. It makes things a lot easier and simple. There's no way you 'll find spare soldiers running around and getting killed on their own when they should be adding their firepower where you need it and when you need some quick reinforcements, making a ready squad is a lot more useful than just trainning them one by one. Plus, it's a lot more realistic, for those of us that like that sort of thing.

Then, there's troop morale. I like that in a war game. No, I want that in a war game. Because, after the first few sessions of slugfest, it starts to get boring when you attack and attack an enemy unit, it's taking heavy casualties and it's just standing there taking it and slugging it out as normal, like nothing's wrong. I want my enemies- but, wait, my troops too, to behave with at least a semblance of realism on the field. When a unit is overpowered, it should at least have trouble fighting, as is the case in Warhammer. Well, it would 've been best if they really broke out and ran, but, you can't have it all- or, at least, you can't have it all unless you 're playing Total War... but that's another unfair comparison. And, no, it's nothing to do with the Marines' superior morale, or the Orks lack of a word for fear... Anyway, there's a reason why I want my troops to run that additional danger. It's a challenge, because you have to make sure they 're porperly deployed and they support each other correctly and once I 'm past the point where the butchering has ceased to impress me, I need something to keep me involved with the game.

Well, OK, Warhammer is not that good at that as there's not too much difference in how you position your troops in the field (although they do support each others' morale) and they don't seem to take a hit in morale if a friendly unit breaks... At least, though, they can take cover! Wow. How about that for a first! I don't think I ever saw that in a real time strategy before (but, then, there's lots and lots of them, especially the WWII ones, that I 've never played). Realistic, working terrain. Now, there's an idea. Yes, of course, Total War has that too... but I said that's unfair to compare...! Most maps are designed so that you can keep your troops in cover while they 're protecting a strategic point the scouts just captured and that means it does make a difference how you plan your moves and how fast you advance, which is just irrelevant in most other games.

And then, there's that thing with Strategic Points and Critical Locations, which provide an alternative (although checked as default... so you won't fail to notice...) way to win, even in Skirmish (as opposed to Campaign) mode, different from the usual Deathmatchs' total destruction. Strategic Points give you the Requisition resource, which is the most important one, since it lets' you bring more troops in and build anything you like (the other resource is Energy, used to power up vehicles and some special units) and it makes for a simple but effective way to combine a way to control troops' developpement and game goal and speeds the game up a lot.
Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised by Warhammer. I expected something completely different and, really, crappy. Of course there are some dark spots... for example, sometimes there is so much going on on the screen, that you just can't tell which side is which and you have to zoom in and look up close, but then you lose your birds-eye view of what's going on in the whole field. Then, there's that stupid thing that Age of Mythology first introduced- there's a limit to the number of squads and vehicles you can make. Exactly why is that? Is it supposed to keep the game from getting too heavy on your graphics acceleration? Well, they could have just gave an option for a population limit, like in Empire Earth so you could decide on your own... And as I said, where the hell are the fucking Tyrranids, man? The Chaos and Eldar are poor replacements, Chaos are just an evil version of the Marines, they 're just a different flavor and I dont see why they should have been there in the first release, they could 've come in an expansion, you know...? But of course that might just be a matter of personnal taste. I understand both factions have their devoted following. Anyway, I don't expect the game to have more play life than a couple of months, although you never know, but that should be enough time for me to get to play... yes, Rome:Total War... that game again... ah, well... Obsessions.

What else is there to say?

Ah, yes.

FOR THE EMPEROR! SPACE MARINES! ATTAAACK!
Have fun and may your blaster never jam on you.
(and don't take that out of context)