I had a dream, some days ago that I don't remember very well, but in it I was my old self... well, one of my old selves... the version where I was working out a lot and had all those big bulging muscles everywhere. I guess I 'm still kinda hot for muscles on boys and I 'm always in love with my self... selves... so there's a hint there, but that's not all.

Because I 've been having thoughts about how it would be if I moved back to the boy zone again. I 'm not very serious about it as there's lots of pressure there. I know I don't want to be the classical type ultra-femme chick anymore, at least not for a few more years, 'cause it makes me look older and it makes me feel older too and I don't like that too much. And I 'm thinking, OK, for now it's easy for me to go back and forth any time I feel like it but time don't stop for noone. I 'll get at an age where I can't go both ways pretty soon- or, so it will feel when I 'm there. I 'll feel horrible if I decide to be a girl again (after I 've been a boy again) and discover I can't anymore. So, I guess, I 'm sorta stuck where I am now and I can only go on as a girl and, eventually, a woman. Which kinda sucks because, more than femininity or masculinity or anything, I value freedom and the strenght of personnality to have it and keep it.

Well, the whole gender identity thing touts freedom of choice as its' major advantage, but it's really all about trading one set of rules for another. I mean, even when you know they 're just rules and you can flex them about all you like, still, at some point you just loose your flexibility, 'cause you get older and, well, more rigid. And that's it, no more choices for you, hon. It's more oppressive to late-onset and late-transitioning peeps, but it's still true for the ones who manage to transition earlier. I hate to admit it, but it's kinda what my mother used to tell me, "what if you change your mind?". My answer, to myself, was "I never made up my mind in the first place", I 'd said to myself over and over again that all this is not about "changing" or, "becoming" anything, just about setting myself free, about being strong enough and versatile enough to be free and obey no rules. But, it seems like I 'm trapped in yet more prejudice and role-modelling... by my own self too, and because of the very fact I didn't want to make any choices. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I do miss some things I had when I was a boy. For one thing, instant respect. I used to be the guy nobody wanted to pick a fight with, because they feared me and thought I was a bad ass motherfucker that 'd just beat them up. I was never violent, or raucus and I had very few serious fights in my life, but still... guys just thought I was bad, 'cause I looked bad, go figure. And now that I looke like a sissy boy, or, well, a chick when I do, they still treat me the same way- taking me at face value, I guess. So sometimes I find myself thinking "you asshole, when I was a guy you wouldn't even dare catch my eye" when someone's clocking me or staring at me openly and with that stupid smile on their face. Of course I know I have other ways of dealing with that sort of thing now, it's just that sometimes... sometimes I just want to use that smile-wiping face-cleaner I had, by default, without any effort on my part, back then.

Well, it's no big deal, really. Yes, I know real women (oh, sorry... that' d be "real" women) have the same kinda problems too. Guys will just be jerks some times. Talk about bullying tyrants, really. Most of the time I know they don't even realise, 'cause, I understand now, if I put guys on their guard, back in the day, imagine how scary I must have been to girls. And, having never been so indiscreetely clocked, until after I started transitioning, not knowing the insecurity and sometimes even downright fear that can cause, I didn't have no second thoughts about doing it myself. I thought the way girls turn their eyes downwards, or look away, or all those things I do myself today when I 'm just not in the mood for confrontations, was... you know... kinda natural timidity. What an asshole. I guess it suits me right if I 'm subject to that same erm, misunderstanding, today, then, eh?

Life's a comedy, ain't it? I 'm tempted to think there's gotta be gods, somewhere, 'cause it seems like someone's really having a good big laugh with all of us. Well, with me definitely.

It's OK. I can appreciate a good joke.

Funny thing is, I can only appreciate it when it's on me. See, I always wanna have the best part in a show. Wouldn't have it any other way.

There we are, going all shaman again... Dah, next time 'll get less weird. I 'll talk about Warhammer or Rome:Total War again. 'Till then, have fun.

Yeah, with me.